As I recently reflected on this subject, I recognized that there is a key factor we often overlook when we set goals and assess progress: self-compassion. While we may minimize its importance, research actually has shown a link between lack of self-compassion and mental health challenges like insecurity and anxiety.

Since self-compassion is critical to our mental health, it’s important to understand how to practice it. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and a fellow Buddhist, is a self-compassion researcher. According to Neff, self-compassion has three components: self-kindness, recognizing one’s own humanity, and mindfulness–my personal favorite!

1. Self-kindness is about refraining from bashing ourselves and not allowing our inner critic to trash our self-worth. It’s treating ourselves the way we would treat a friend.
2. To recognize one’s own humanity is to understand that we all experience suffering and pain. We are just humans on rock floating through space and we are imperfectly perfect.
3. Mindfulness is about being in the present and not judging the moment nor yourself. Whatever you are feeling, you can simply connect to the experience that is unfolding within and around you.

Self-compassion is essential to a healthy relationship with ourselves, but we what’s good for us isn’t always easy for us. Irrational beliefs, such as the examples below, may keep us from giving ourselves the kindness we deserve.

We “overstand” others and minimize our own feelings.

Many of us find it easier to extend compassion outward to others. In contrast, self-compassion is about turning inward and creating space for understanding, accepting, and loving ourselves.

We confuse self-compassion with selfishness or self-pity.

Our life experiences may lead us to believe that we should put others first at our own expense. We may have learned that we are being too soft on ourselves or making excuses when we recognize our humanity and challenges.

We believe shame is motivation.

We may believe that being critical of ourselves will motivate change. What actually happens when we take this approach, is we invite shame into our relationships with ourselves not realizing how detrimental it is to our self-image and self-worth.

We strive for perfection.

Being a perfectionist can be a sign of low self-compassion; perfectionists tend to be less forgiving and feel worthy only when they have attained sufficient success. 

Self-compassion is a practice. It can help to instill feelings of hope and fulfillment in one’s life. As you continue on your journey, kindly consider the following questions:

• What are you saying to yourself? (If it’s too harsh for others, then it’s too harsh for you!)
• Do you accept the flaws of others more than your own flaws?
• Are there areas in your life that need your tenderness, self-forgiveness, and acceptance?

Create space for this reflection. You deserve to put yourself on the top of your list! If this is a difficult process to do alone, connecting with a therapist is a powerful first step.

Source:

Author Talks: Kristin Neff on harnessing fierce self-compassion. (2021). McKinsey Insights, N.PAG.