What Self-Abandonment Looks Like
Self-abandonment has become one of those buzzwords that gets spoken and hashtagged on Instagram and TikTok, usually attached to posts about insecure attachment styles. But what does it actually mean to abandon yourself, and how does it show up in your relationships?
Foundationally, self-abandonment is what occurs when you compromise or neglect your own needs, feelings, and values in the hope of securing connection, avoiding conflict, or feeling safe with others. It is a survival strategy -albeit a maladaptive one- but a survival strategy nonetheless, that is rooted in fear: often a fear of rejection, disapproval, or being left behind.
In romantic relationships, self-abandonment might look like minimizing or hiding your emotions to keep the peace. It might mean moving the goalpost on boundaries or completely disregarding them to avoid being seen as “too much” or “too sensitive.” You may find yourself constantly adapting to become who you think your partner wants, ultimately prioritizing their peace and happiness at the expense of your own.
In platonic relationships, it can look like being the friend who’s always emotionally and/or physically available -even when depleted. The friend who says yes when you want to say no. The friend who stays silent or lets things slide, even when a line is crossed -just to avoid rocking the boat.
Why People Self-Abandon in Relationships
Self-abandonment is often a fear response. Somewhere along the way, you may have internalized the message that your needs are a threat, an inconvenience, or the death of the connection you desire. Consequently, you detach from yourself to prevent the detachment of others from you.
If you are people-pleasing, over-functioning (e.g., carrying the brunt of the weight of emotional support), or being hyper-independent with your own needs while taking responsibility for someone else’s, you’re probably trying to hold on to a relationship -even when it means losing yourself in the process. The problem with that is, when you repeatedly choose someone else’s comfort over your own, selflessness starts to look a lot like self-erasure.
How to Show Up For Yourself
Unlearning and healing from self-abandonment means learning to remember and prioritize yourself, even when it feels uncomfortable. It means asking: What do I need right now? What am I feeling? Will this action or inaction to maintain connection harm me in the long run?
It requires shifting the energy you’ve been pouring out to go back in. The goal is to reconnect with your own voice, honor your own needs, and trust yourself to meet them. You can still care deeply for others without betraying yourself in the process. You are showing up for yourself -not to be selfish, but to be self-sustaining. And although it may not initially feel like it, this will put you in a better position to have the long-lasting and fulfilling relationships you desire.
How to Find People Who Will Show Up For You
No one person can meet all of your needs, but the right people will want to be there for you in healthy ways. When you begin showing up for yourself consistently, you create space to notice who actually reciprocates. You’ll be able to show up for others in balanced ways, and those people will honor your boundaries, respect your “no’s,” and value you wholly.
Move forward from the people who take advantage of, or benefit from, your silence or shrinking. Look for those who embrace and embody mutuality and care, not just the convenience of your self-sacrifice. The ones who deserve closeness with you are the ones who feel just as safe for you as you are for them.
