You notice your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… oh wait, that’s an Eminem lyric. But those bars sound an awful lot like emotional dysregulation. What do you do when your heart starts racing, a knot forms in the pit of your stomach, and heat rises from your feet all the way up to your face? What do you do when your thoughts spiral on a never-ending loop and you can’t decide whether to stay or run, to push through or give up? Should you scream, cry, or shut down completely? If any of this sounds familiar, you’ve probably experienced emotional dysregulation. So let’s unpack what’s really happening when we lose ourselves in our emotions, and how to find our way back.

What Emotional Dysregulation Looks and Feels Like

Emotional dysregulation can show up in a variety of ways, all of which can feel scary, confusing, and disorienting. Physically, it might look like a racing heartbeat, sweating, shaking, or stomachaches. Emotionally, it can appear as irritability, worry, anger, fear, sadness, shame, or doubt. Behaviorally, it may involve impulsivity, withdrawal, overreacting, or self-sabotage. Internally, it can feel like being “too much” or “not enough,” out of control, or detached from yourself or others. None of these experiences are mutually exclusive or all-inclusive; dysregulation presents differently for each person. Your age, personality, temperament, attachment style, culture, gender, and personal mental health struggles are just some of the factors that can influence how dysregulation shows up for you.

What Causes Emotional Dysregulation?

Let’s be clear—if you’re human, you’ve experienced dysregulation at some point. It’s part of the human experience. That said, for some people, dysregulation can significantly impact quality of life or even become a debilitating challenge. Biological, environmental, and psychological factors are often at play. These factors can show up in folx with ADHD, autism, mood or personality disorders, and other forms of neurodivergence; folx who’ve experienced adverse childhood experiences or trauma; folx with attachment wounds; folx struggling to manage stress or anxiety; and folx who are high-achieving or wrestle with perfectionism.

It’s also worth clarifying that emotional dysregulation isn’t a standalone diagnosis. Dysregulation itself is not a disorder. Instead, it’s a common experience or symptom that can appear across a range of conditions, like the ones mentioned above, as well as during stressful days or seasons of life.

The Role of Fear in Dysregulation

The funny thing about fear is that, as scary or uncomfortable as it can be, we need it. Fear is meant to be protective, not harmful. The problem is that sometimes it takes over—hijacking our nervous system and making it hard to snap back to reality, ope, there goes gravity. And the truth is, responding to fear while we’re stuck in a dysregulated state can lead to harm. Fear itself is not the enemy; our maladaptive responses to it are. So how do we translate fear into a response that’s protective, mindful, and healthy?

How to Identify When You’re Dysregulated

The first step to resolving any challenge is identifying it. To recognize when you’re dysregulated, check in with yourself. Ask:

• “Is my body tense?”
• “Are my thoughts racing or looping?”
• “Do I feel overwhelmed or detached?”
• “Do I need a break or pause?”
• “Am I processing what’s happening or just reacting?”

If so, follow up with:

• “Why am I feeling this way?”
• “Have I felt this way before?”
• “Is this something I can manage on my own, or do I need support from someone or something?”
• “What emotions are tied to these feelings?”
• “How do I want to respond externally to what’s happening internally?”
• “Will that response be helpful or harmful?”
• “What response would be most helpful?”

Consider journaling your answers to build awareness and deepen understanding.

Self-Regulation: Calming Your Own Nervous System

It’s important to recognize when you have the power, autonomy, and responsibility to calm and ground yourself—the moment, you own it. Here are some ways to regulate and soothe your nervous system on your own: deep breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8—repeat as needed); 5-4-3-2-1 senses check (identify 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste); splashing cold water on your face or taking a cold shower; intensive exercise (running, walking, or a high-energy sport you enjoy); progressive muscle relaxation (tensing and relaxing your muscles—repeat as needed); mindful movement (a gentle walk, yoga, or stretching); and speaking to yourself with kindness and grace by accepting, honoring, and validating your feelings. 

Co-Regulation: Calming Through Connection

Just as there will be moments when you need to self-soothe, take advantage of opportunities that arise for co-regulation. Co-regulation can look like hugging or holding hands with a romantic partner or loved one. Physical touch can be extremely regulating—even small gestures, such as sitting arm in arm with someone or resting a hand on their knee (or theirs on yours). It can also look like sitting in silence with someone, talking with someone you trust, or doing an activity together (e.g., listening to music, dancing, walking, or watching a TV show or movie).

When you’ve identified the trusted person or people in your life you can regulate with, communicate your needs verbally:

• “Can we just sit in silence together?”
• “What if we stay in tonight and cuddle and watch TV?”
• “I’d love if we could go for a walk together sometime this week.”
• “Do you have time today for me to vent while you just listen?”
• “When I’m feeling anxious, holding hands really helps calm my nerves.”

Preventing Dysregulation Before It Peaks

So far, we’ve identified what to do when dysregulation inevitably strikes. Now let’s talk about prevention—how to keep calm and ready. Growing in emotional intelligence and maturity, and deepening self-awareness through psychoeducation, individual therapy, and mindful personal practices, helps you stay grounded before emotional storms hit.

It also means knowing when to seek additional support, such as psychiatric care, group therapy, or couples counseling. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, with yourself and others, is another key part of prevention. Finally, creating a daily routine and lifestyle that promotes regulation makes a significant difference: getting consistent, quality sleep; staying hydrated; eating balanced meals; limiting or abstaining from alcohol and drug use; and nurturing a sense of community and connection with others.

Reclaiming Your Calm

Eminem says, “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.” But in this case, regulating your emotions isn’t a “one shot” deal. It’s a skill that takes practice. Keep taking those shots and improve your aim through consistency. The opportunity to manage and prevent dysregulation in adaptive ways is a rewarding one—not just for you, but for your relationships with others as well.