Sometimes we know we want a healthy relationship and may even know what it ought to look like, but find ourselves stumped on how to get there. You may find you’ve done the hard work of developing awareness and understanding your negative cycle. You may have also come to the realization that, that big step is just the beginning. The next step is the work of stepping out of that cycle and into a new, healthier one. Here are just a few important things to know to reach your goal of secure, healthy love.

How to Identify Unhealthy Conflict Resolution Strategies and Counteract Them

Gottman’s Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes

FOUR HORSEMEN:

• CRITICISM: using blaming, attacking, accusatory, and/or judgmental language
  • “Maybe if you were better at sex, we’d have it more often.”
• DEFENSIVENESS: deflecting responsibility, reversing blame, and/or avoiding accountability
  • “It’s not my fault. The reason we aren’t having sex is because of you.”
• CONTEMPT: name calling, using insults or put downs, mocking, and/or sarcasm
  • “You’re such an a** hole.”
• STONEWALLING: withdrawing, shutting down, ignoring, and/or going silent to avoid conflict or convey disapproval
  • “Whatever, I don’t care.”

THE ANTIDOTES:

• GENTLE START UP: focus on the problem not the person, use “I feel” statements, and express what you need (use DEAR MAN as a guide)
  • “I  feel  close to you when we have sex. I’d love for us to spend some time finding ways to be more intimate so we both feel connected.”
• TAKING RESPONSIBILITY: acknowledge your role without blaming, apologize when there’s wrongdoing, accept feedback and/or a differing perspective
  • “I recognize I’ve been distracted lately and less present during moments of intimacy. I want to be present and intentional with that time.”
• SHARE & CULTIVATE EXPRESSIONS OF APPRECIATION & FONDNESS: remind yourself and express to your partner their positive attributes and contributions
  • “Thank you…” “I appreciate you..” “I love when you…”
• SELF-SOOTHING: take breaks when emotionally flooded/dysregulated and use grounding techniques to stay calm and present

Fair Fighting Rules for Healthy Conflict

10 FAIR FIGHTING RULES:

1. Reflect on why you’re upset for clarity and understanding.
2. Focus on the problem not the person (avoid accusations & blaming language).
3. Discuss one topic at a time (if you get sidetracked, return to the topic at hand).
4. Express your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I felt… when…”, “I feel… because…”). Avoid absolute language (“You always…”’, “I never..”).
5. Take turns speaking, and listening for understanding (without interrupting). Then, reflect back what you heard.
6. Refrain from making threats during arguments (e.g. threatening to leave or break up). Give yourself time to regulate and calm down before making big decisions.
7. Take breaks (15min – 1 Day) when things get too heated. It’s okay to pause and cool down to prevent escalation.
8. Avoid yelling, name calling, mocking, and abusive language or behavior.
9. Stay present. No stonewalling (i.e., shutting down or withdrawing to avoid conflict or show disdain)
10. Be willing to compromise or negotiate.

What A Secure Attachment Looks Like

Secure Attachment:

• Partners with secure attachment trust that both their needs and their partner’s needs are valid. They work collaboratively to address unmet needs, are open to negotiating resolutions, and understand that meaningful relational change takes time. 
• Partners with secure attachment recognize relational progress, extend grace, and allow space for growth without expecting perfection.
• Partners with secure attachment are willing to stay, and they are willing to leave. When there is a consistent pattern of unmet needs, boundary violations, or disregard for healthy relational standards, they are prepared to walk away.
• Partners with secure attachment foster trust, open communication, consistency, emotional availability, closeness, effective conflict resolution, and mutual support.
• Partners with secure attachment maintain connection both together and apart. They generally feel respected, loved, and appreciated by one another. When they don’t, they communicate their feelings and needs effectively. 
• Partners with secure attachment demonstrate care and empathy toward one another. They generally take accountability for their missteps while maintaining their sense of self, and validate each other’s experiences even when they disagree.

Building a secure, healthy love takes intention, practice, and a willingness to do something different. Stepping out of old patterns and creating new ones often isn’t easy. At times it may be difficult, uncomfortable, awkward, and even scary. But each effort to show up differently is a step toward the relationship you want to build. Wishing you the best of luck as you put what you’ve learned into practice!